Still

"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) This is a verse that has been on my heart this week and I can't seem to shake it. I like the busy lifestyle that I've had since moving to China. It is certainly much better then where I was before I came here. When I'm busy, I feel much more valued as a person, as though the state of my business gives my life meaning. I can't speak for every culture, but as someone who was raised in the US I feel that our American culture certainly pushes us to believe that. Often times we are told to not "waste our lives" and to get involved in various activities. While, it is great to be involved and active within whatever kind of community you live in, i feel that we have lost the value in stillness.

If you are like me, maybe you can relate to the fear of being alone because when you are alone, your mind wanders and that is when I begin to believe the lies that Satan and the world try to tell me. However, if I'm busy and around other people it is so much easier for me to push these issues aside or simply ignore them. As a result, I like to keep a fairly busy schedule and often times do not know how to handle myself when I am alone. This is where hobbies like video games and reading come into play. Instead of actually processing things or spending time with God (who I sometimes avoid because I know I'm doing something wrong) I distract myself with false realities. I have never been so aware of my stubbornness to avoid having "still" moments in life. There are so many things, good and bad, that can distract us from the real issues in life.

I suppose I should be honest, there is more to Psalm 46:10 than "Be still and know that I am God." It continues to say, "I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." This was another reminder to me. Often times, as a Christian, I feel this constant need to live a perfect life, an impossible task. It is reassuring to know that no matter what I do, He will be exalted. He simply asks me to be still and from my love of Him all else will follow.

Beauty

"Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." A common quote, but how often do we stop to consider how we view ourselves? One thing that stands out to me about living in another culture is the difference in how I define what beauty is and how the culture around me defines it. An easy thing to pin-point is how white I am. In the US, I usually joke around with my friends about how white I am, but in China it is a genuine compliment. My culture also says that you don't talk about someone's weight, but here it is simply a fact and is not rude. I wouldn't say that it has been a difficult adjustment, if anything my confidence has gone up. Yet, it did get me thinking "Do I value my beauty based on my own culture or the culture that I am currently in? How do I value myself?" Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I have defined my appearance based on what other people think. Is this really how I should be living? Have you ever bought a new shirt or something that you thought was really cute (or handsome for the guys), but then when you wore it for the first time no one complimented you on it? At least for me, when this happens, I don't like the shirt as much as I did originally. People's opinions shaped how I viewed the shirt. I suppose you can say that my attitude towards myself is the same. Thinks makes me wonder if I've ever truly felt comfortable in my own skin. embrace the flaws and acknowledge that I am unique. I believe that God created each person exactly how he intended to. He didn't make any mistakes. I'm certainly learning to see myself through a Biblical perspective instead of one that is shaped by culture or media.

Being a single woman in another culture also has it's challenges at times. Especially when the standard of beauty is different than what you are accustomed to. For example, the other day I took a cab to get home and was expecting about a 20 minute ride. Well, the driver started talking to me (in Chinese) and was asking me some basic questions such as where are you from? how old are you? etc. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary since many people ask me these questions. It wasn't until he asked me "Do you have a boyfriend?" that I started wondering where he was going. I was honest and told him "I don't have one." Ooops. Next question he asked me was "Do you like Chinese men?" I wish I could have seen the expression on my own face at that particular moment. Since I'm not the best at navigating these situations, I dug myself further into a hole and told him "yes." *facepalm* I really do not know what I was thinking. At this point, my comprehension of everything he was saying went down, but I was able to pick up words like "you" "me" "eat" and "dinner." And finally I got the sense to pretend like I understood absolutely nothing. I had already told him I was an English teacher and so he asked me how much my lessons were. I gotta give the guy one thing, he is determined. I simply told him I teach kids. Luckily, he couldn't respond because we finally reached my apartment complex. Sometimes you just gotta laugh at the situation. Nonetheless, I was grateful to be back at home after that.

I don't know exactly what the future holds, but for now I am enjoying the journey and learning to depend on God more and more each day.

Perspective

Living abroad can certainly throw you some curve balls. The last few weeks have been filled with many ups and downs. Some days I wonder "why am I living in China? This is crazy!" but other days I think to myself "I love that I live in China, this is the best experience of my life." When it all breaks down it is really just a matter of perspective. The days that are difficult are often the days that I lose sight of my motivation and desire to live here. It can be easy to let the little things get in the way of seeing the bigger picture. Cultural differences and language barriers (although I find them fascinating) can sometimes be difficult to deal with. I can't tell you how excited I am to be in an English speaking country and go to a store where I can clearly communicate with the staff. I'll probably ask for help just because I can! At the end of the day, I am extremely happy to be here and am grateful for the experience. I have had the opportunity to get to know so many incredible people during the short time that I have been here.

Since it has been so long since my last entry I feel as though there are so many incredible stories and moments that I could share but I will force myself to limit them to just a few. The most recent of which being my trip to a park here in Eco-city with my kids. Now that I live in an area that has a total of 4 seasons (I will always love CA, but we have 1 season all year... let's be real) there is a lot of perks that come with the spring =) Beautiful flowers are everywhere and the weather is a happy mix of sunny days and rainy days. In celebration of this our whole school went to the park and I got to spend time with a couple Kindergarten classes flying kites. Well, most of the time I was untangling the strings, but it was so fun. It made me so happy to see the kids running everywhere and laughing (as opposed to the usual sitting in the circle as I teach them English and sing some songs). Sometimes it is good to break out of the usual routine and get out and enjoy the sunshine (note to self: buy sunblock you white girl!).

A group picture outside the museum

Another thing that is great about my job is the random trips that the school pays for--no kids, just staff (and people can bring their families. The most recent trip was to a museum in downtown Tianjin. It was interesting to walk through the exhibits and see pieces of history from an entirely different perspective than what we read in the US history books.Since I was already in downtown I met up with some friends that were just a couple stops away and went to a Japanese restaurant (Janis, if you are reading this it wasn't real Japanland food). I even found a place where I could buy some hot dry noodles (a dish I fell in love with during my previous endeavor to Asia). Last week we also had a day of doing outdoor activities for the staff while the kids were napping. I didn't know what was going on and then, before I knew it I was outside doing some relay race with three inflatable horses and hopping across the playground. Although I was busy making a fool of myself the photographer wasted no time taking pictures of the foreigner laughing at herself as she bounced everywhere. I think I'm building a reputation at the school for being the silliest teacher (I'm not telling them in advance that I'm making bunny ears and tail for Monday's lessons and will "dress up" like an Easter bunny, I really want to see the teacher's reactions when I walk into class like that)

And consequently falling on my face...

Me playing the game

I have been blessed in so many different ways since arriving here in China and am surrounded by a great community of people. While sometimes I feel like this is the hardest thing I've ever done, I have no doubt in my mind that is the best and most adventurous thing I have done. I have no regrets! Since being here I have also made some connections with people who work with refugees and there could be some potential opportunities for me in the future. I will update if anything pans out, but please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue to grow and learn more about God, myself, and this global community we are all a part of!

Lost

I stumbled across this image on pinterest one day. Normally, I don't pay all that much attention to these sort of pictures, but when I saw this I resonated with it so much, that I had to post it on this blog. After being in China for just over a month I am finally starting to feel settled. I have a better grasp on my job, have established contacts, and am settling into some sort of routine. I even have started Chinese lessons! However, I initially struggled with deciding if I should move here to teach English. For those who don't know, teaching English was always my "back up plan" or "safety net." If nothing else worked out, then this is what I decided I would do. My heart lies with refugees and/ or community development work. When I first started teaching I was frazzled by the struggles of learning classroom management while simultaneously being sensitive to the culture around me. These frustrations made me anxious and I felt very lost. Why am I teaching English? It works for some people, but this isn't what I want to do long term. I am happy to be in China, but why am I at this particular job and living in such an empty part of Tianjin? In a way, I felt lost because life simply isn't going the direction I wanted it to. When I graduated college I had a mental road map of what direction I thought my life should take. Well, things never seem to work out the way we want, do they? However, I am finding that each and every day I am gaining more perspective and seeing things more clearly. While it's good to set goals for yourself and have a general road map of where you want to go in life, don't become frustrated or overwhelmed if you are led somewhere else. If you end up taking a scenic route instead of the direct path that you wanted, enjoy it. There have been so many instances where I just chuckle and say to myself "This is why I love living in China."

Today I had the awesome experience of going to Beijing with my coworkers. It was so great being able to get to know people outside of the work routine. My day was filled with many precious memories and new experiences. We started by meeting at the school at 5:15 am, which meant waking up at about 4:30...yuck! We took a bus to Tangu and from there took the train to Beijing. We went to visit Temple of Heaven and then did some shopping in Beijing. On the way back we had to take the subway to get to the train station, but the subway had too many people, so we had to walk to the next station. As a result, we were behind schedule. Naturally, when we did make it into the station the security checkpoint was packed out! Eventually, we got on the subway, but had to run through the station to get to the train. we nearly missed it, but luckily I made it back to my apartment :) It was definitely a show seeing our group running through the station and sliding on the tile floor when we had to slow down.

Despite all the ups and downs of living in another country, everyday I fall more in love with China and am learning more about myself than I thought possible.

My Life In China...So Far

Many people asked me to start a blog during my time here in China. I of coarse felt obligated to say "Yeah, I definitely want to!" but once I got here and settled down I struggled with the idea of starting a blog. Why? Because I feel like there is this unwritten rule that says: when you go on adventure you need to tell everyone how perfect it is. No one should know about the hardships. Just the joy. I disagree with this notion. In life, I find that it is through the hardships that we learn the most. Not only that, but they also make the good seem so much better. Now, my intent for this blog is not to rant and rave about how miserable I am (since I'm not). Rather, I want to be open and honest about the ups and the downs of living in another country. There are many things that my classes, previous trips, and other experiences have taught me, but there are just certain aspects of living overseas that are hard (if not impossible) to prepare for.

When I first arrived in China I spent several days in Beijing doing training and moved to Tianjin not long after. I worked for about a week and then it was a week off for the Chinese New Year! I was happy to be here for this time of year, but also felt very lonely. I have never felt so secluded in my entire life! While it was fun to go exploring and walk around to different places and learn the new environment, I had no friends in the area. Within one week I felt as though I was being grown in new ways. All of the cultural differences and other adjustments seemed to pale in comparison and I felt overwhelmed, but as time has gone on, I have developed relationships with others in the area and people at work. This has filled me with so much joy! I believe that that initial time has made me value my relationships with others even more than I had before. It has deepened my love for my family and given me a new perspective on my friendships.

I suppose that in my first blog entry I should address all of the "omg that's so weird" things that people always ask me about. Regarding this category everyone asks me about the food. Well, I haven't eaten anything weird yet. YET. I make my own food most of the time. The school provides lunch for the teachers and staff at the school. I gladly eat it. WHYYY would anyone ever turn down free food!?!? So far there was one dish that I could not get myself to swallow. I'm not sure, but I think it was garlic that had been boiled and covered in some kind of sauce. Buuuuuut I don't know. I guess that's the weirdest thing is sometimes I don't know what I'm eating. I just eat it. Maybe sometimes it's best not to ask questions. To the extent of my knowledge no one has fed me dog. Another thing people ask about is the driving. Yes, it is scary at times. No, there are no seat belts. That's that. Luckily, if I'm taking a taxi usually I'm so distracted by the driver asking me a bunch of questions despite my comments of "ting bu dong" (I don't understand). Taking the bus is sometimes an adventure as well. Naturally, everything is written in hanzi (the chinese characters), so you really need to know exactly where you are going. Lastly, it is very easy for Chinese people to peg me as a foreigner. I mean, the last time I looked in the mirror I don't recall me looking very Asian. Another thing that often times frustrates foreigners in China are the points and stares that you can get just by doing day to day activities. The points and stares don't bother me as much as the doting does. It seems common for people to treat me differently than they would other Chinese. It's not uncommon for me to get served lunch before my Chinese co-workers and am sometimes offered a seat on the bus (usually done only for elderly, disabled, or parents with young kids). Being my individualistic American self who doesn't want any special treatment, this takes some adjusting. However, it is good to remember that this is done as an act of respect and not them believing that I am incapable of doing something. Some days, I just have to leave my pride at the door and be a gracious guest in a foreign country. 

Another aspect of being here that I have struggled with is this sense of "God has called me here." Maybe this goes along with the concept of making everything look perfect that I was talking about before. But, as I was preparing to come here people back home would often use this language when talking about my move. I guess I never felt called. Maybe led is a better term. This is something that I still am struggling through, so any insights are welcome! I never got that sense of greater purpose that I suppose one should get before going through such an adjustment. The way I saw it was that I was just another recent grad who had a rough time getting a job. I felt (and still feel) that I was led here out of necessity. Maybe that is what a calling can be though. Maybe the word "calling" just scares me. 

I suppose I should actually mention my work as an ESL teacher too. I teach 6 classes every day, each is 20-30 minutes (depending on age group). I teach 3 Kindergarten classes and 3 Nursery (ages 2-3). I have never been the most confident in my skills as a teacher and working with kids that young is a certainly a challenge. However, there are so many opportunities and the kids seem to like me. It is fun having an excuse to be my ridiculous self. Classroom management is my least favorite thing and is the most difficult when you don't speak their language. It's easy to teach them English, if they aren't hitting each other. I am slowly learning. Every day I find that I am being challenged in some new way. 

There are so many details that I don't want to bore you with about my life in China and I could rant forever about my experience, so if you have any questions, please ask! Insights and words of advice are always welcome as well!